What will you do with today?

My last post was on enjoying today, and someone asked the question, how had the verses I had shared spoken to me?  I have been pondering that question, and I will attempt to to answer...

It was a little over a year ago that the reality that I might not live forever began to sink in.  We had noticed a lump on my left shoulder blade in late June and trying to figure out what it was had led to several doctors visits, scans and some tests and here I was scared to death.

Every visit had gotten a little darker, I kept thinking, OK, this next visit will reveal something that will give us hope.  But nothing had, they had done a CT, not good, then an MRI was done, not good, meeting with a Urologist, not good, PET scan, the eyes of the technician said “Not good, and I am scared for you”, biopsy, not good, "Let’s do another biopsy," not good.  Every visit the story got worse,  and we knew "this is bad". The spot on my shoulder blade/upper back was now bigger and more painful and we also knew what it was, a pathological fracture of one of my ribs. I was sleeping in McKennon's empty room, because I was tossing and turning all night long fighting the pain in my rib. I was quickly slipping into deep depression and I was feeling so alone.  I needed hope, and as a follower of Christ I was supposed to already have hope,  but why did I not?  

After the second biopsy they gave us the diagnosis, NCC/RCC, or non clear cell renal cell carcinoma, a rare form of kidney cancer that had spread, thus the fractured ribs, this wasn't the news we had been praying for. We had already lost a friend to this same cancer and I was going to have an appointment with the same doctor she had been working with. I couldn’t see the tiniest sliver of hope.  I was crying myself to sleep in a spare bedroom every night and everything in my world was crashing down around me.  I was scared, really scared, for the first time in my life.  I was thinking, this is it,  it’s over and I am done and I am going to die and not just someday, it is probably going to be soon.  I wanted to just give up. What I didn’t realize at the time was I had given up on my faith, my reliance was on this life and what I could carve out for me. I wasn’t ready for the testing, it was my time in the crucible and I wasn’t prepared....

“The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:3‬ ‭

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-6‬ ‭

“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

‭‭James‬ ‭4:7-10‬ ‭

I knew the words, but I didn’t really know the Word (John 1:1). I had never really truly written them on my heart. I had done the right actions but it had never truly been personal. So here I was about to start a battle and it didn’t look like I was prepared, it sure didn’t feel like I had a snowball's chance of winning, and I didn't have on my armor. All I could think about was car payments, house payments, college tuition, status of my 401 K, saving accounts, and on and on.  How would my family make it without me here to watch out for them? How was this life Yvette and I built going to survive without me?  And at the same time God was starting to ask me, how are you going to survive without this life?  Recently I saw a post that struck me, "Life is to short to not have fun, and eternity is to long to not plan for it"  I think I had spent the first 50 years of my life planning to have fun and not planning for eternity.

I started praying, not the hollow empty prayers of someone who’s got this, but the scared to death prayers of someone asking, whose got this?  Oh don’t think for a minute that I wasn’t asking, why me? I have been a pretty good guy, why would God do this to me, why would my big brother walk off and leave me in my time of need?  Bad things happen to others and we are here to pray for them and feel bad for them, this isn’t supposed to be happening to me.

And then something started to change, it was subtle at first, like whispers on the wind, random thoughts, random comments, random songs. There was a voice that I was hearing, it was coming from inside of me but it wasn't my voice. I was still freaking out, but something was stirring inside of me. 

After they completed the second biopsy and gave the diagnosis it was time to meet with the Oncologist, and talk about stage and prognosis and how are we going to fight this, and all those things that you never think you are going to have to deal with because this happens to everyone else but not to me. As long as I live I will not forget what was said, this is paraphrased but you will understand, God was talking to me thru the folks who where going to try to save my life and telling me, no matter what, I am with you and I got this...

“I don’t make predictions, you could walk out of here and be killed in a car wreck on your way home. God controls your destiny.  We have a medicine that is being studied in a trial, it has shown some promise but everyone reacts different to it, this was not something that was available even a couple of years ago, this is not a cure but it might help get this under control.  We will be running some more test to make sure you can qualify for the study.  What I will tell you is this, the only things you can control and what you need to focus on is, Your faith, and waking up and telling yourself no matter what, today will be a good day, everything else is in God’s hands and on his time.....”

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭

I believe this was the point at which I woke up and started to understand this was about trying to get better, but it might not be the world's version of getting better. I think it was the first time that I wanted the to be well. I was thinking about the future, and not the one that could end at any minute. I wanted hope, real hope, the hope that goes beyond this existence. 

We are coming up quickly on several one year anniversaries, diagnosis, start of treatment, etc. And so far, the Lord has been answering the prayers for physical healing, and for that we are truly thankful. Most importantly he has also opened my eyes, ears and heart to his presence, and is guiding me on a different path.  I have told several of you that in hindsight, in some ways this diagnosis has been a blessing, and I do honestly feel that way most of the time. I am not going to lie and say I wish He would take this cup from me, but without the diagnosis I might not be getting better.  I still have a long way to go to get better on both fronts, but I wake up every day grateful for the plans he has for me both here and at home with him.

So when I started this Blog, I was not really sure why but now it has become clear to me. I will be using this platform to share how His Word and His words have and are speaking to me for as long as He will allow.  If you wish to follow along you can subscribe for updates, just go to the three white bars on the top left hand corner of the Blog for instructions.

Much Love,

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭